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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Dinner Date Turned Disaster

*Warning: The following story is graphic. No, not violent, nor does it describe any strange sexual act, but it IS gross. I warn you, dear readers, that I share the following with some hesitance. Scratch that. With a great deal of hesitance. However, it's just too funny to keep between my husband and myself. Tonight, my friends, my worst fear was realized: The following is a true account, an all too real account.*

My husband and I decided to go out to dinner this evening, and we had a very nice meal. It was lovely conversation, good food, blah, blah, blah. The meal is not the story. After we paid, I could feel the rumbly in my tumbly that signals poo is on the way. Now, I should have just used the restroom at the restaurant, but you know that in a story like this "should have" is useless.

In the car, the poo quickly became a much more dire situation than I at first anticipated, and part way home, I had to tell my husband to "shush!" because I had to focus on not crapping my pants. Readers, it very quickly became a painful situation and I was sitting there in traffic, sweating with the effort to hold it in, near tears because I had to go so bad and we were stuck at a red light, and my husband is repeating: "It's okay, you can make it. We're two blocks from home. You can make it."

"Shut up! Shut up!" I yelled, "I'm not going to make it! I can't hold it! I'm gonna die..." was my response (clearly, you want me in an emergency situation).

And then it happened. I crapped my pants.

I literally could not hold it anymore and the light seemed like it would never turn green, and then...yeah, I pooped myself.

"Oh my God!" my husband yelled, "It stinks so bad!"

He rolled down the window, tears from laughing streaming his own cheeks, while I sat there in my own shit. And it was messy. Very messy. And I have to say, it was one of the worst feelings in my life because it wasn't just a little squirt of poo, it was a load in my pants and I was sitting in it.

Finally, the light turned green (and God had had his laugh for the day), and we raced home, quickly parked and I hauled ass into the bathroom where I showered so thoroughly I took off a layer of skin.

Thankfully, I made my husband promise (before we got out of the car) that he still loved me and wouldn't leave me over such a debacle (he also promised he wouldn't tell anyone, but I think he said that because he knew I'd be telling everyone myself...it's a disease, I have no shame), so that's good -- I knew those vows weren't for nothing. Otherwise, I have to admit that this is THE single most emabarassing thing to happen to me (and I got de-pantsed in front of the entire 6th grade!), yet I have to also admit that on a certain level, I'm relieved. My worst fear has finally been realized (and thank god it didn't happen on the way to school -- I would've had to call in sick and rush home), and it's kind of a relief for it to have just happened.

Now, on the other hand, I know my friends and husband will never let this die (I'm sure I will hear endlessly of this tomorrow at bowling, but that's the price I pay for my own forthcoming of the story), and my car will probably never smell the same (something tells me that might affect the trade-in value), and those pants are done for. Ugh.

Worst. Incident. Ever.


Neese said...

Oh. My. God.

Erin said...

Seriously, as the diahrea queen-I have never shat myself in the car. I have rushed into convenience stores, restaurants, and office buildings...then again, I am the girl that leaned on my bumper in below zero weather and stuck my bum to it. I have peed myself but pooped...NEVER! (I hope I didn't just jinx myself).

toughcookie7 said...

Okay, I seriously just laughed OUT LOUD at your story. I know how you feel -- I pooped in my pants last year after an evning run. I actually made it back to the house and was in the middle of running full-speed to the bathroom when it happened.

Marcy said...

OMFG!!!!! You are my HERO!!! I'm seriously LMAO!! To share that out loud takes cajones my friend!! God I love your blog, you make me feel "normal" LOL

brunettechicagogal said...

I am roaring! Yes, it does take cajones to put that out there for anyone to read! And I'm so glad you did b/c I am about to pee my pants from laughing so hard.

What's in the water lately (no pun intended)? Did I tell you about my brother's weekend poop in the woods during a long training run --the one where he wiped with some leaves from a tree that turned out to be poison oak? Now he has poison oak on his ass and face (god, I hope he washed his hands before touching his face after using that leaf!!!) Yeah. And I have a similar story from a training run circa 1999, minus the poison oak. I am so sorry for your pain and agony!!

On a nonhumorous note, I'm wondering if you shouldn't see a doctor about this since you've indicated that you've come close in the past -- or are you just holding it in too long?

colleen said...

As a fellow irritable bowel syndrome sufferer, I feel your pain and can identify with the situation all too well. In fact, my boyfriend and I only go to specific resturants where I order only "diahrea free" meals to avoid such situations. Too funny!

ws said...

Such a build-up and so much foreshadowing, it is ironic that you wrote about your fear a few days ago. I'm not sure if I should thank you for sharing such a story, but I did get a good laugh (at your expense, sorry).

If you had leather seats the smell will go away eventually. My ex once puked out the window of my car and didn't aim so well, it took a few weeks, but the odor eventually faded.

Froyd South said...

I'm sorry that you misfired the chocolate shotgun. However, I don't think I will be making to much fun of you tonight at bowling, that is a Godsmack waiting to happen.

Wes said...

You seem to have this fixation with crapping your drawers :-) And I for one, can appreciate that as truly the only fixation worth having. I've had several near misses while running, but an experience like that for me would have to be proceeded by, oh, I don't know, a dozen jalapeƱos at lunch! Luv the way you told your husband not to tell then you splatted it on your blog.

Did you do a race report for the Disney Marathon? I'm doing that one next year, so I'm going to go search your archives.

miss petite america said...

i was just about to say at least your greatest fear is finally over. and you weren't in the car with work colleagues or something. in someone else's car.

plus when we get older we'll be crapping our pants all the time anyway. you're just ahead of the game :)

David said...

You rock! I don't envy your embarassment, but that's so awesome that you owned it and told the world. And think of the mileage this tale will get over the years.

Kristen D. said...

That is the most awful feeling in the world! Happened to me back in college. I went to a large university with multiple dorm "neighborhoods" all over campus. Mine was up on a hill, and you had to trek down the hill to get to the dining commons and then trek back up the hill to back to your dorm.

One evening after dinner, my friend and I were walking back up to our dorm and all of a sudden I said, "I gotta' go!" We ran all the way back and as I was entering the first floor background, it happened. Or rather, shit happened. My friend had to run up to my room to get me a clean pair of jeans and underwear. Still can't believe I didn't opt for a dorm closer to the dining commons after that!

teacherwoman said...

Oh...my...goodness! Glad to hear you survived the ordeal... I would have never been able to share that story!

keith said...

maybe if your hubby had left a better tip the waiter wouldn't have put exlax in your dessert. ha HA!

nobutseriously...that sucks. i wouldn't wish that on my worst enema.

okay, sorry. sympathy time. still friends? okay, good. man...you crapped yourself. that is awful. it's so ironic that you posted that whole bit about poo anxiety and then it came true. don't you wish self fullfilling prophecies for health, wealth and wisdom were so easy?

Krista said...

I am laughing my head off right now, and it takes a lot - A LOT - to make me laugh out loud when I'm by myself. Good lord, I'm sorry to laugh at your clearly horrible situation, but you tell the story so well.

Don't feel too bad. My boyfriend has "issues" and once had to go so bad that he ran out of the car, onto the corner park bench and dropped trou right there on the bench in broad daylight. It happens to the best of us. But at least he had the good sense to leave the car :) (JUST KIDDING)

Running by.... said...

It could've been worse. You could've went to dinner with friends and carpooled.

And yes, you are bold! I think I would've kept this to myself (but I did laugh at your expense!).

Anonymous said...

Oh man. That made me smile for the day!! I totally agree with Marcy's comment!

Mendy said...

You are sooo freakin' cool for owning up to it and making fun of yourself, and telling all of us. I bet you are a blast to hang out with!

My office is quiet and I was laughing out loud. They already think I'm crazy... oh well! I don't think I could have told the story if it was me, but I'm not as cool as you are, Jess.

I sure hope your tummy is better though.

J~Mom said...

OH my gosh that must have been the most awful thing ever. You so totally rock for sharing that with us!!

On a side note I always get tummy aches like that (almost like that ;>)) when we eat out because the food is always too rich for me. It always makes for a romantic date night when I have to dash off to find a restroom.

Stefanie said...

Don't worry, that almost happened to me last weekend.

We were walking with some relatively new friends through some questionable parts of Baltimore, and I put aside my fear to ask the attendant at the ghetto gas station if they had a bathroom.

They didn't but after much holding and concentration, I found a hole in the wall taco stand a few blocks later that had the tiniest bathroom ever.

I think things like these happen to the best of us though. Call it a character-building experience.

Nikki said...

HOLY SHIT that is funny!!! I'm crying laughing AT you!! hahahaaa...OMG your dh's reaction is priceless!

I particulary love the part "and god had his laugh for the day" :p

Thanks for sharing the story.

I'm also gigling about the story making Marcy feel normal :)

sara said...

just now reading this ... and i shouldn't laugh but i am. you poor thing. after reading this i just might feel inspired to post what happened to me after the Chicago marathon last year.

i am still giggling about this. sorry.

Another Jess said...

So I've always heard that you aren't a true runner until you crap your pants. Well I guess since last Friday I am a true runner. I give you mad props for coming out with this. My husband was surprised I told him when I got home. It was bad. Maybe in due time I will come to terms with it. haha, maybe not. Love your blog.