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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The War of the Shorts

I won a small victory against my shorts yesterday. You see, ever since I started this running business, I have fought with my shorts, and it has long been a losing effort. The war began last June, but issues had been brewing for years, and there had always been tension between my shorts and me. I tried sending ambassadors and there were several attempts at peace treaties, but in the end, the only course of action had to be all out war. The attacks have since come in waves, and I admit that my defenses were under-armed and ineffectively trained for the sort of warfare I have encounter against these vile beasts.

First, there were the cotton shorts that bunch up and get all sweaty and sticky. I felt like I was running with a diaper. I tried to adjust and mold those shorts so they could better work for me, but in the end, I simply had to put them aside. They won simply because they had better staying power. Then, there are the stretchy shorts that also ride up, but in a different way, and in general make me feel self-conscious of my butt and thighs. These two pairs are satisfactory in many ways, but they absolutely refuse to abide by the contract to stay in place, and it is this boundry dispute that has kept the two of us at odds for the past six months. And lastly, there is the pair that I probably like the most, but we still have our problems. Our battle has mostly been a subtle tug of wills, but I am proud to announce, that after yesterday's attack, I finally made some headway.

This pair is made of nylon or some such man-made material and has those little built in underwear -- which I like because then I don't have to remember to wear underwear, and I do try to remember underwear when I'm wearing shorts; the last thing I want to do when I'm running is flash someone a little coochie. The fabric is good with this pair and, in general, they don't bunch up too much. However, I have never liked the waist: It has always had two intrinsic problems.

One, it doesn't hit me right. Instead of resting low on my belly, it naturally rests right up around my belly button, and that makes me feel like an old lady. My general solution to this has been to fold the top part over. I find this does two things -- it helps them sit where I want them to, and it decreases the amount of fabric between my thighs. Although it also leads back to more butt and thigh exposure, but I guess I just have to live with short shorts; it's part of running.

Two, this is the one that was truly bugging me. The cinched up wasit always felt a little tight, and the last thing I want to feel as I'm running is squeezed. So my solution? I pulled the cord out of the waistband, and viola! It felt so much better! I never tie that little cord anyway; it just made things tighter, and I liked the feeling of pulling that cord out. The shorts didn't expect this subversive maneuver, and they were shocked by my intuitive strategy. As a result, they behaved the entire workout.

So, yesterday was a day of triumph for me. Sure, the shorts continue to dominate in the war, but it improves morale to know that I have won a battle, and perhaps, in the not so distant future, there can be peace between the shorts and me.


Running Jayhawk said...

As a result of this post, Gatorade managed to backflow out through my nose, causing a sticky mess all over my keyboard and computer monitor. My workstation thanks you for the shower, however at this point of time (on the verge of my debut marathon, no less) I would appreciate having the opportunity to swallow said Gatorade before unknowingly and unvoluntarily participating in the 'nostril fluid projection' olympic event. No doubt, after the performance a few moments ago, I would've stolen the gold medal.

While I adore and appreciate your astute sense of humor, you really should consider putting a warning label on your posts. Perhaps something along the lines of..."For the safety of you and your computer, please refrain from consuming beverages while reading this blog." -- ?

Clearly, reading your blog is interfering with my hydration strategy for this weekend. I sacrificed a massive gulp of Gatorade for you. If the loss of that gulp causes me to pass out on Sunday, then I shall curse you with running wedgies.

-B. :)

Karen in Calgary said...

You and RJ are hilarious! Hopefully he will learn a lesson and henceforth practice responsible Gatorade consumption.

And I totally comprehend the shorts conflict. Your description of the cord-pull maneuver was genius!