Body Image

A few of you have requested pics of me to see how pregnant I look, and I haven't posted any so far because, frankly, I don't look very pregnant yet. But I figure that it may be nice to have a reminder of what I looked like at the end of my first trimester; because 6 months from now, I'll likely resemble a beach ball more than my former self. So here is a side view: And a front view:

I must admit that I feel like a doofus in these pics; clearly, I have no idea what to do with my arms, so they're just kinda hanging down by my sides, and I can't help but think that my grin looks like I'm suffering from a turd in my pants. But no matter my criticisms of my ability to pose, the pics serve their purpose, and this is what I look like right now at 12 and 1/2 weeks preggo.

Granted, I don't look "pregnant" per se, but I definitely feel "thick" about the middle, and personally, when I look at these two pics, I see just a smidgen of pudge about the middle that I could swear wasn't there 3 months ago. But...I think I may be judging myself with a more critical eye than anyone else.

According to the Mayo Clinic's "Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy," the above is all accurate for women in their first trimester who are pregnant with their first child. The uterus still fits inside the pelvis, so no thickening in the middle is due to the baby's growth at this point, but the book re-affirms that most women feel or look a little thicker in the middle due to the slight weight gain so far. The book says, "You've probably gained about 2 lbs at this point," and I'd have to say that's probably about right. I had gained 1 lbs according to my doctor appointment on the 7th, and last week, I hadn't shown any gain since then; but, I haven't weighed myself since last week. So yeah, somewhere around 2 lbs seems right.

The whole feeling-but-not-looking-pregnant is weird at this point. I know I am pregnant, but it's strange to not yet look it, as though it's still not entirely real yet. And when I tell people, where's the first place they look? My belly. And then their first comment? "You don't look pregnant!" My reply? "Well, I feel pregnant!"

However, I know this is all gonna change. No matter how small I may be now, I am going to get bigger. So how am I adjusting to the thought of those changes?

I'd be lying to you if I said I was completely at peace with them.

I know that there are women who gladly surrender their pre-pregnancy bodies to the swelling of their growing bellies (and thighs, and boobs, and whatever else expands) with glee. They are selfless in thinking about how the changes they are experiencing are all for the good of the baby, and they happily concede that their bodies are no longer their own.

But I am not that woman.

Yes, I am practical about it: I know that getting bigger and fatter is for the baby's, and my own, good; I also know that the changes to my pregnant body are inevitable; and I also know that pregnancy is not a permanent state and that eventually I will have my body back (kind of). However, that doesn't mean the changes don't frighten me some. I mean, this has been solely my body for 30 years, and I've kinda gotten used to it the way it is. It's not perfect by any means, it has its flaws, but I like it just the way it is. Therefore, the thought of it changing and growing is, honestly, scary. Especially because I know it will, most likely, never be the same again after childbirth.

But on the other hand, I have a pretty positive body image that's based mostly on how I perceive the strength and health of my body. I know what it's capable of doing for me, and I value it primarily because of its abilities. So based on this knowledge, I understand that while my body will change, its strength and vitality won't diminish. If this body can run a marathon, then it can do anything. So in that sense, I'm curious, interested, and even excited about the forthcoming changes that it has in store for me, and most importantly, I know that I have the kind of good health that can carry a healthy baby to term.

This kind of duplicity of emotion seems to be a reigning factor in all aspects of pregnancy so far: excited/scared, happy/anxious, relaxed/stressed. It's like living with a split personality! But whatever mixture of emotions I'm dealing with on a daily (hourly) basis, I do think that running helps ground those emotions, and in terms of dealing with the changes my body is undergoing, running helps remind me what I am capable of, what highs I can achieve even when I don't feel good, and it helps remind me of my strength and ability.

So enough talk for today, I think I'll go run now.