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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

It's Been Awhile...

...since I had a good poop story.

So:

I was out on my 3 miler this evening, and in the first mile, I was truly feeling great. The weather was overcast and cool, with a slight breeze, The Kooks' "Do You Wanna?" was on the Shuffle, and in general, I've been feeling good lately (barf-free for 16 days!). So I was trotting along feeling pretty self-congratulatory about the running and how good I was feeling.

But Karma is a cruel bitch who likes to ensure that I never take myself too seriously or think too highly of myself. So a quarter of a mile later, I began to feel the distinct intestinal gurgle that signals a poo. At first, I figured I could ignore it, trot on and make it home in order to poop in the comfort of my own home, but a few seconds later, the gurgles became more insistent.

I was running through my part of the route that is a residential neighborhood, so I had no poop-stop in that area; however, at the 1.5 point in my run, there's a shopping center with a Publix, a McDonald's and a gas station -- all suitable poop places. Considering I only had a quarter mile to go to this safe haven, you'd think I'd be able to run in peace knowing that relief is just ahead, but sadly, the closer I got to the plaza, the more insistent my guts became, and the more painful the running. Still, I had no option: It was either A.) run and get to a bathroom fast, B.) walk and get to bathroom slowly, or C.) stop and shit my drawers.

Clearly, option "A" was the only suitable scenario in the choices above, so I tried my best to pick up the preggo pace.

Soon, Publix was just across the street, and thankfully the light was in my favor, so I ran across the street, ran through the parking lot (all the while, puckering my butt in fear that I would poo myself when I was just yards away from a restroom -- I prayed that irony would not strike me with such misery), ran through the automatic doors of the grocery store and across the front of the check-out lanes to the bathroom (I knew exactly where it was because I actually puked in this very same Publix about 2 months ago).

I will spare you the details at this point, but let's just say that the relief was blissful.

Afterward, I walked out of the bathroom and to the nearest exit and back into the Floridian evening. Again, the air felt cool, the breeze was delightful and I felt restored. So, I turned the iPod back on and ran out of that Publix parking lot and back onto my route home, and the rest of the run was just as pleasant as the first part.

When I walked in the front door afterward, Jerry asked: "How was your run?"

"Well, I almost pooped myself," I told him, "but other than that, it was really good."

29 comments:

runsarah said...

Too funny! I have had close encounters too since I have an irritable stomach...worst feeling EVER!

Crystal said...

You will have fond memories of that Publix for years to come.

MN Mom said...

I read and laughed in anticipation of a former good poo story. I hate to say...darn, but I was hoping for another...opps! Does that make me a very bad friend?

d.a.r. said...

Oh my gosh...dyyyyiiinnnggg laughing!! I think I need to start praising the poop gods that this has not happened to me yet!! Holy moly...

Christie said...

This is too funny! LMAO!

Marcy said...

OMG I can't believe you get those urges to poo like that when preggo. I always had the worst constipation :-X LOL

MCM Mama said...

LOL! Glad you made it there safely! And that the rest of the run was good.

So glad we got to meet up on Saturday! I'll email you the picture soon!

Mrs. K said...

you had me cracking me up- good thing you didn't shart!! (Fart and shit!)

AKA Alice said...

Nobody EVER stops a pregnant woman who is running to a restroom. They don't need to know the details :-)

X-Country2 said...

I honestly hope you get a million new visitors tomorrow when Razz posts our podcast and THIS is how you get introduced to a whole new audience. :o)

Brianna said...

I'm trying not to wake my sleeping children as I laugh out loud at your story. There's something "wonderful" about the way our bodies respond to pregnancy. SO glad to hear you made it to Publix!!!

Firefly's Running said...

ROFL! Too funny!

kelsalynn said...

Definitely Option A was the only suitable option.

Now I have the Kooks song in my head and pictures of you waddling (albeit steadily) to the bathroom...

HAHAHAH! Too fricken funny! I read this to my hubby too, just b/c he runs so he totally understands the inconvenient timing of these encouters.

aron said...

lol i haaaate when that happens :)

D10 said...

I hate that feeling. It is so hard to figure out if you should slow down (with hopes the cramps will subside) or to you sprint squeezing the cheeks hoping nothing falls out!

Agate Lake Girl said...

Does it help that the people who witnessed your run for the bathroom probably assumed it was just a pregnancy puke situation? :)

Marlene said...

I have had that feeling OFTEN and why is it that the closer you get to the washroom, the harder it is to hold it in?! Ugh!

Shannon said...

The more I read, the more I anticipated a "I shiz my drawers." I'm kind of sad you actually found a place to go. LOL......

Wes said...

I think that is the way to look at it! If you don't poop yourself, its a good run!!!

Carolina John said...

ah, i love a good poop story.

Lily on the Road said...

Jeezzzz, you didn't even buy air freshener from the Publix?? LOL

OMG, Alice cracked me right up!!! LMAO

Missy said...

Nothing like a good poop story at lunch! The penguin run, I love it!

I Run for Fun said...

That's funny. I've had a few encounters like that.

Jess said...

Haha oh my gosh I'm cracking up! Glad you made it to the bathroom in time!

Jamoosh said...

Is "poo" singular" or plural?

Amanda said...

Oh that is too funny. Thank goodness you were somewhere you could get to a bathroom fast!

Nicole said...

I loved your podcast on runners lounge!

Paul said...

Oh boy. It's just not a good workout unless you sh!t yourself huh? Most people just run till they piss blood. hahaha. Too funny.

sRod said...

I love the Kooks!

Gosh I wish I had Publixes (Publixs? Publixies?) around here.