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Monday, December 11, 2006


Tonight, I feel *blue* or as Holly Golightly would say: "I've got the mean reds."

I've spent the day watching over and worrying about Scooter. It's disheartening to see my dog, who is usually so energetic and boisterous, barely able to sit up. He has no interest in food or water, and it's weird to open the refrigerator and not have him at my heels. The stress and anxiety have taken their toll today, so this evening I decided to make room for a short run -- figuring it would be a good stress reliever, but in the middle of it, I felt overwhelmed with grief.

It's not just about Scooter -- although he is currently the source of my tension -- it's about four months of pent-up emotional, mental, and physical strain and it suddenly feels quite burdensome.

My family, which was previously so dysfunctional I didn't think it could get any less functional, has been experiencing what I only care to call here a "weird" time. ( I could spend about 200 pages talking about my family, but I have spent much effort and have drunk many beers to try and assuage that gaping wound; I don't care to delve into any kind of depth here, sorry.) And to help keep my mind off the drama there, I have buried myself in this semester's work, and for nearly two months there, I was teaching nine classes (five is a full-time schedule, I accepted six as an overload in order to receive some more pay, and then took an additional class at another university two days a week, and then ended up long-term subbing for eight weeks for two other classes) and even once I went back to my "regular" schedule in late October, I still had the original seven classes that I now am ending the term with.

It's hard to express how many papers I have read this semester.

On top of those two burdensome loads, I have been training for this marathon with its dizzying fluctuation of emotional and physical duress. Add to that the holidays, preparation for an upcoming trip, the end of the semester, and now my injured dog, and, well, it's enough to make a girl feel positively sapped. So in the middle of my run this evening, I found myself weeping (and not the good I-feel-better-now crying but the oh-god-I've-opened-flood-gates crying) and I HATE crying. I know it's supposed to make me feel better, but I actually always feel embarrassed and weak and humiliated when I break down in tears (this is why I try my best to hold them in at most costs) even when alone.

Running usually makes me feel better, but right now it feels like one more weight I have to shoulder, and I feel myself straining under so much heaviness.

Logic tells me that I will take a shower and feel better, and then have a good night's sleep and feel better, and then maybe Scooter will be somewhat improved and I'll feel better, but right now, I don't feel good, and "better" feels a long way off.


Erin said...

Oh Jess, you are having an Erin moment! It's been a while since I have had one but if you need to act irrational and silly, cry and yell, my hubby is excellent at taking it. He will make you want to hit him and then kiss him all while making you feel every emotion you can express. Then the next day after you wake up from sobbing so hard your body aches, it usually is better. Hang in there. If this is one of your first break downs of this magnitude, think of it as your quarter life crisis. You have another 25+ years to go until your next one.

Anonymous said...

or.....rather than do all that I will just take you out for beers after work tomorrow. It is alot easier on me.

MNFirefly said...

It's good to cry. I know how you are feeling.

Anonymous said...

**sigh**...i hate when a fellow blogger/runner/training for a marathone/fellow two fisted beer drinking/friend of mine is feeling blue...

heres a hug all the way from the big State of Texas!!!!!!!!!!

miss petite america said...

wow jess. i'm impressed. you're usually so chipper and level headed i was beginning to think you were some kind of superwoman. i'm usually a big ball of raging hormones and emotions so naturally, i wanted to hate you. but i couldn't. and seeing this human side makes you seem all the more super.

hang in there. dec is a crazy time for EVERYONE.