Thursday, February 07, 2008

Close Call

I could also label this post "The Revenge of Chipotle" -- either way -- this morning's ride to work was dicey.

For those who have been long time readers, you know how I have some prescribed "poop stops" on my ride to work -- a Starbucks, a gas station, and a Publix -- these are places deemed clean enough and located strategically that should I feel the need to crap on the way to work in the morning, I can pull in and feel okay about myself. Long time readers also know that one of my greatest fears is to crap my pants, and with good reason.

So, as you know from the post below, I decided to skip an evening run last night and opted for Chipotle instead. I assume it's the combo of Mexican spices and black beans that really get the system moving, but I also suspect Chipotle employees of injecting laxatives into my burrito, because I swear that after I eat that food, my pooper is like a slip 'n slide for the next two days.

This morning, after I had my first cup of coffee, and before showering, I was able to drop a deuce -- ideal timing -- and I figured I had the "Chipotle" dump for the day.

I was wrong.

On the way to school, my guts started to feel distinctly uncomfortable. But I'm the sort who, optimally, would like to try and hold it until I can safely get to work, so I passed up my first two options: Starbucks and the gas station. Now, the last option, the Publix, is a bit farther apart than the other two and it is, unfortunately, after the busiest light on my route. So, of course, after I have passed my first two options, the situation clearly becomes more dire and in order to focus, I have to shut off NPR and blast the AC (because I get real hot when I'm holding in an explosive poo).

At the dreaded light, I hit the red -- duh, because Mother Nature has a wicked sense of humor and thinks the game of will-Jess-crap-herself? is hilarious. While waiting and praying for the light to turn green, I seriously thought that I was gonna have another terrible situation on my hands, but while thoughts of calling in sick to work (because I'd shit myself) were swirling through my brain, the light miraculously turned green, I sped into the Publix parking lot (nearly running a woman down who didn't have the sense to get the fuck outta my way!), and then sprinted into the bathroom.

All I can tell you is that it was sting-y, and the relief was like heaven.

Clearly, this was the running-gods' way of making me pay for choosing that cursed burrito over my run last night. Sorry, running-gods. I swear this morning's situation was punishment enough, and I promise to be penitent this evening and get my scheduled run in!

28 comments:

Wes said...

ROFL! Yea, with Dee Dee its Japanese food... Not sure what that's all about :-)

D10 said...

I had to laugh at this post since I too have various stops designated for the same reason!

Triseverance said...

I don't often laugh out loud when reading posts at the office but a couple of chuckles just snuck out. I love toilet humor!!

Marcy said...

ROFLMAO! I wonder why that is? I always get all sweaty and hot too when I'm holding one that needs to be let out n.o.w.

Let's hope that you make it through class alright ;-)

Doug said...

I guess the situation could have been worse, I mean shittier.

Sorry, I'm all out of creativity today.

Margo said...

Oh no! I have no words other than glad you made it to the potty on time!

Kim said...

laughing. that't some good shit :) hahaha!!!!

i ate a box of cheerios the other day and went for a run 5 minutes after. i was holding my butt with one hand and speed walking home bc i was prairie dogging. i hate you colitis and cheerios!

keith said...

"because I get real hot when I'm holding in an explosive poo"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Something about that struck my funny bone.

RazZDoodle said...

1) that was the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

2) I'll just be throwing away my barbacoa burrito now.

You owe me $4.

keith said...

Also, I do not leave the house until i am 100% need-to-poo free.

Erin said...

Surprisingly, Chipotle didn't attack me last night. Although, reading your post has put the innerds in motion and I soon anticipate a sprint to the bathroom. What is with that mystical food? So heavenly going in but yet so hellish coming out.

Southern Fried Girl said...

I found you via POM and that post made me laugh so incredibly hard. OMG. OK, must get back to work but damn, that was hilarious.

Running Knitter said...

Thank you so much for giving me the best laugh!

Laura N said...

It is just wrong that we are all laughing at you, but if laughing at you is wrong, I don't want to be right. Glad you made it to Publix in time.

I had to have my gallbladder removed in 2002 and it totally changed how my body digests fat and fiber. It's mostly adjusted now, but for about 4 years I had to be really careful about what I ate before I got on a plane or went for a long car ride or went to a long meeting.

chia said...

God I love burritos. But I eat all the jalepenos that come with it (plus order extra) so I basically had the same morning as you except with the added element of "fire."

J~Mom said...

Oh no!! That is just the worst and then the best feeling in the world! Glad you made it!! I am cracking up though!

Sarah said...

OMG! That sounds awful. I totally understand too! I've had some embarassing emergency situation.. but thank god I've never actually had an accident.

My Life & Running said...

Ooooh wow. Wow on so many levels... mainly that you're awesome enough to share these stories!

Anonymous said...

I still think that we need to write that book we used to talk about...Oops! I Crapped My Pants. It would be a best seller!

I'm glad you kept it in. ; )

Rhiannon

Steve Stenzel said...

I think I love you.

Marathoner in Training said...

I will give you the 50 yards of running from the car to the bathroom as one of your runs this month. If you beat me this month, maybe I will send you a gift card to Chipotle. Ha ha ha.

RunnerGirl said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in so long. Don't feel like I'm laughing at your expense, I'm laughing with you, not at you! Glad you made it :)

miss petite america said...

at least now i know i'm not the only one who gets hot and sweaty when holding in a poo that must come out.

Sarah said...

Ha. Seriously? I'm laughing my butt off over here. I heart this post. I have had sooo many close calls on long runs, especially when I hadn't learned not to mix GU and Gatorade. Oh boy. That was fun.

MN Mom said...

Good Lord not again. I was worried for you there for a minute. I had a close call after eating Italian with J-S & D one night a few weeks ago. I told S the next day...I almost did a Jess!

Who is SLB+? said...

Ahhh TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI!!!!

That's a real crappy post!

;-)

Viv said...

LMAO, not at the poop but I flipin knew it. When I read the previous post, I was like Jess is so gonna poop out that burrito. I hope you surrived.

Jesse said...

Oh my goodness. I totally wasn't expecting a post like this. Very funny. Having to go to the pooper during a run would make for a crappy day. Kudos to toilet talk!