Yesterday, I tried to argue with Jerry that the entire week should be devoted to the celebration of me, and we could label it "Jess Week." He was not so keen on the idea. Especially because I was making the case that to start off the celebration of Jess Week, he should drive to Cold Stone and get me a Like It size cup of cake batter ice cream (my fav, fav, favorite!). He said I could have a Klondike bar out of our freezer instead. Poop-head.
Anyway, Jerry said that the only person who's birthday gets more than one day of attention is Christ's and unless I start my own religion, then I don't deserve an entire week of celebration. Thus, I propose: Jesstianity. A religion based on the life and teachings of Jess. The basics of Jesstianity would be simple: Followers would be encouraged to live a fun, carefree life, in which running around, playing games, frequent afternoon naps, and excessive drinking would be encouraged. And part of the basic philosophy would be that "sometimes you fall down, but you have to learn to pick yourself up." (In case some of you aren't familiar with my clutziness, I am prone to falling down, running into things, or being knocked down. It happened on Saturday night, for example, when I tripped and fell at the bowling alley and got a little carpet burn on my left knee.)
When I explained the basics of Jesstianity to Jerry, he had this to say: "With the exception of the drinking, you just described the life of a two year old."
He later went on to further debase Jesstianity as being the "preferred religion of college students and toddlers" and said that if devout followers experienced the stigmata, it would consist of scraped up knees. I think he just really didn't want to go get me that ice cream.
Anyhoo...even if you don't want to adopt Jesstianity as your primary religion, that's okay (Jesstianity is a very tolerant religious practice). You can still send me a Charm City Cake, buy me a Coach purse, or get me a Corvette: But, you'll have to hurry because Jess Day is tomorrow! (I am at least laying claim to the day.)