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Saturday, August 13, 2005

Plastic Surgery

On the radio, on TV, on billboards, and in the newspaper, there are ads for cosmetic surgery. I suppose South Florida is a ripe market for these businesses since the whole southern tip of the state is saturated in image consciousness. There are plastic surgeon's offices everywhere, even in the small shopping strips right next to your neighborhood grocery store. So, theoretically, you could get your Botox and then get your bread all in one stop. That's convenient!

Mostly I mock any sort of meddling in cosmetic surgery for pure vanity, but there is one thing that I would do if I could, and it is so "vein." I would have those damn spider veins lasered off the backs of my thighs. They are so embarassing -- big purple streaks across the dimpled flesh -- they're an eyesore. And I've had them since I was a teenager. They just popped up one day along with the thighs themselves and boobs.

I have also developed new ones since adolescense because I've had many jobs that demand hours upon hours on my feet, and the pressure there has sprouted a few more pronounced veins. Most of them are pretty faint, and to be truthful, you would have to be examining my legs up close (as I do) to even notice some of them, but there is one vein that stands out. It's dark purple and runs along the length of my fatter leg (isn't that strange how you can be so misproportioned?) for about an inch and a half. And every time I put on my bathing suit, which is often here in Florida, I look at that fucker just taunting me.

My concept of the "lasering" means they just pass a few shiny lights over you, and viola! They are gone. But I think reality might be a tad more complicated. I think they actually remove the vein with instruments, and that freaks me out. Plus, I think you have to wear these super tight stocking for a couple of weeks afterward until your other veins make up for the lost veins and you don't lose any circulation. When my grandpa had heart surgery, they took a vein out of his thigh, and he had to wear those terrible socks for weeks after the surgery and I can tell you from personal experience that they're a bitch to pull on and off. And they make you itchy and hot -- ick! I don't even like regular panty hose!

I guess I just have to accept the unsightly veins that map my legs and I'll probably develop more as the years roll on, especially if I ever have kids (I think preganancy can help develop some). But perhaps in the future they'll also have a very advanced procedure that will be just like my imagined light show to remove them. So I'll wait a few years and see what those scientists can put their minds to.

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