In all honesty, I don't know how to begin this post. In fact, I've written about 5 opening sentences, paused, then deleted each one -- none of them have felt like they strike the right opening chord. So, I figure I will just get straight to the point:
I've decided to stop running while pregnant.
It's a decision I've been wrestling with all week, and really if I'm being completely honest, a decision I have been slowly fighting for several weeks. My list of reasons to quit at this point is not necessarily long or particularly compelling, and it can probably be summed up in a few simple words: It has simply become too hard. Hard in the sense that I no longer look forward to it, and it has not been providing me with the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that it long has. Instead, it has begun to feel like a chore, something I dread. So, I know that it is has ceased to provide me with what I need, and usually gain, from running.
Admitting all of this to myself, and to you, is incredibly difficult, and deciding to quit at this point has flooded me with a complexity of emotions; this evening when I sat down to talk it over with Jerry, I literally found myself bawling about how guilty I felt about reaching such a decision. "Why?" he asked me.
"Because I feel like a quitter, like I couldn't finish a race. I feel like a failure."
"What kind of race do you think you're participating in?" he asked. "You're not competing with anyone but yourself, and you have run for 32 weeks of your pregnancy; you're the fittest preggo I know! You should feel proud of yourself for sticking with it as long as you have. There is nothing for you to feel bad about."
I know he's right, and I'm extremely thankful to have such a supportive husband, but I still feel the same mixture of emotions that DNFing a race has left me with in the past: frustrated and disappointed in myself, but also incredibly relieved.
"You're just choosing to take a sabbatical from running," Jerry told me. "In a few months, you'll be back at it. So, you're not quitting; you're just giving yourself a break."
So, I guess he said it best: I've decided to take a running sabbatical. I still plan on remaining active by continuing to walk regularly and keep up with my twice weekly pre-natal yoga, and no fears, I don't plan on taking a blogging sabbatical to go with the running sabbatical.
There. That's that. Just like I didn't know how to begin this post, I really don't know how to end it, and I'm feeling emotionally spent. I guess that means it's time for my book and then bed, and hopefully after a night's rest, I'll feel less conflicted about my decision. Nighty-night.