Everything about my run this morning indicates that I am suffering from a confirmed case of "Drag Ass." It's a real affliction. I swear. In fact, the Physician's Desk Reference has an entry for it:
A mental and physical inability to respond to necessity or demand. Those suffering from this condition may feel as though they are moving in slow motion, and despite being aware of their limited mobility and muted mental acuity, they are unable to improve upon either. Frequent sufferers of this condition include college students, those in their mid-20s who are often recovering from "last night at the bar," and those who are new parents.
See? It's real. And you can't prove otherwise.