Then, I realized Caleb was being really quiet...
I found him, hiding under a blanket, painting his fingernails AND the carpet with blue nail polish.
As I did my best to try to clean the paint out of the carpet, I heard rustling in the pantry, so I leave the nail polish remover and the BLUE STAIN to investigate.
I find the kids shoving Oreos in their mouths. Cookie crumbs all over their cheeks, the package emptied.
I'm throwing the purloined cookie packaging away when I felt the distinct, early rumblings of a fart.
But, my butt had a different thought.
Annnnnddd...that's when I sharted.
Blue paint in the carpet, two sugared kids, and shitty, ruined underwear.
That's exactly how I was hoping a Wednesday would go.
Thankfully, there was one thing that could salvage the day and my sanity.
"Alcohol?" You ask.
That too could work.
Instead, I got a movie going for the kids and hit the treadmill for a midday run. 5.5 miles later, I felt less stabby. The carpet was (and is) still blue, and nothing was gonna resurrect those shitty undies, but the day felt salvaged.