It's Been Awhile...

...since I had a good poop story.

So:

I was out on my 3 miler this evening, and in the first mile, I was truly feeling great. The weather was overcast and cool, with a slight breeze, The Kooks' "Do You Wanna?" was on the Shuffle, and in general, I've been feeling good lately (barf-free for 16 days!). So I was trotting along feeling pretty self-congratulatory about the running and how good I was feeling.

But Karma is a cruel bitch who likes to ensure that I never take myself too seriously or think too highly of myself. So a quarter of a mile later, I began to feel the distinct intestinal gurgle that signals a poo. At first, I figured I could ignore it, trot on and make it home in order to poop in the comfort of my own home, but a few seconds later, the gurgles became more insistent.

I was running through my part of the route that is a residential neighborhood, so I had no poop-stop in that area; however, at the 1.5 point in my run, there's a shopping center with a Publix, a McDonald's and a gas station -- all suitable poop places. Considering I only had a quarter mile to go to this safe haven, you'd think I'd be able to run in peace knowing that relief is just ahead, but sadly, the closer I got to the plaza, the more insistent my guts became, and the more painful the running. Still, I had no option: It was either A.) run and get to a bathroom fast, B.) walk and get to bathroom slowly, or C.) stop and shit my drawers.

Clearly, option "A" was the only suitable scenario in the choices above, so I tried my best to pick up the preggo pace.

Soon, Publix was just across the street, and thankfully the light was in my favor, so I ran across the street, ran through the parking lot (all the while, puckering my butt in fear that I would poo myself when I was just yards away from a restroom -- I prayed that irony would not strike me with such misery), ran through the automatic doors of the grocery store and across the front of the check-out lanes to the bathroom (I knew exactly where it was because I actually puked in this very same Publix about 2 months ago).

I will spare you the details at this point, but let's just say that the relief was blissful.

Afterward, I walked out of the bathroom and to the nearest exit and back into the Floridian evening. Again, the air felt cool, the breeze was delightful and I felt restored. So, I turned the iPod back on and ran out of that Publix parking lot and back onto my route home, and the rest of the run was just as pleasant as the first part.

When I walked in the front door afterward, Jerry asked: "How was your run?"

"Well, I almost pooped myself," I told him, "but other than that, it was really good."